Dear College,

Dear Reader(s),
Before you read this post, you should know that this is STRAIGHT from my journal. No gossip. No juicy boy details. Just straight facts about my war with college. I normally wouldn't post something from my journal, but I feel like this one's okay. Enjoy my sorrowful fury. ♥

I’m to the point of tears. I think that up till now I’ve been in denial about college. One of my young women leaders today said “College is on the horizon” and then I got thinking about it. 

When I came home, I did nothing… I did nothing, like I’ve been doing EVERY other day this year. I don’t want to do anything. I feel like I’ve put a lead foot down, by ceasing to do anything productive, and I think it’s going to slow down time. I think that it’s going to make High School last longer, but it’s not. The only thing that it’s going to do is hurt me. It’s going to make college a living hell for me, and I don’t want that. 

I’m so afraid about paying for college, getting accepted to college, my friends all leaving me, leaving high school, leaving young womens, and everything else that’s changing right now. I want this moment to be put on pause forever. High School has been perfect. It’s been easy. Even though High School is a rollercoaster of emotions, all of my choices have been limited, and I liked that. 

I’m slowly realizing that one of the reasons that I’m so afraid of college, is that the world doesn’t care if I go! In High school, we have counselors to guide us, and tell us what classes to take, and what requirements we’re lacking, and they help us get our grades up when they’re low. All of my teachers know my name, and on top of that, I’m friends with half of them on Facebook. Student Government is a BREEZE to get into in high school, and time is Easily managed, because it’s the same hours every day. 

I remember 7^th grade. I remember looking up to all of the High School Seniors in my ward. In fact, I could even tell you all of their names. I remember looking up to them, and thinking they were SO big! I remember thinking that they were real adults. They seemed like adults. They acted like adults, and they looked like adults. I’m a High School Senior. I don’t feel like an adult, I don’t feel like I look like an adult, and I KNOW that I don’t act like an adult. I feel like a baby. I feel like a little kid still! I don’t feel like I’m ready for college. 

I’m not a lazy person, and I’m far from dumb. So I hope that no one gets that impression from this. My GPA as of right now is a 3.9, and I’m involved in SO much. I’ve been preparing myself for college ever since the first grade, and I’ve done a dang good job of it. I’m just not ready for this big of a change, but I’m going to try my hardest over the next few months to make myself ready. Now is the time that I get to prove to myself that I have the power to shape my future into anything that I want it to be, and I won’t disappoint. It’s now or never, and I’m going to beat my fear, leaving it begging for mercy.